If you can't beat em, join em

Bitch, I'm gonna snort u into retirement

And if any of you also lay awake at night wandering whether J-Cap will indeed un-impale herself out of retirement to retake the coke queen title off Martina, I spoke to her manager last night and he assures me she has no plans on climbing off her porn star boyfriend "Dirk DeBone" any time soon.

Yep, I have connections. I am so cool.

Big Cum Bucket

After standing by Gretel Killeen for all these years, I am kinda glad she has been put out of her misery and dumped by Big Brother. This year she looked bored, frustrated and had clearly had enough of talking to morons with the personality of a sponge.

BUT

Channel 10 was it really necessary to replace her with a cum sponge?

I mean seriously, Jackie O. She is about the most universally hated, untalented joke in Australian entertainment, so I guess it is kinda fitting that she joins the team of Fitzy, Bree and Mike Goldman....

Australian Princess (circa series 1) was as good as Australia has ever done a reality show and that was IN SPITE of Crackie Ho botching her lines, looking generally awkward and waddling around like she was trying to figure out what had happened to her big red phone.

I guess it could have been worse, she could have been co-hosting with her male equivalent and my reigning Most Hated Australian Male - Jonny from the Nova evening show...but more on that later...

News of the World does it again

The best thing about every Monday morning is getting to read another WAG story on News Of The World.

Nearly all articles are completely "bloggable" but this sentence from the story about sex-cheat William Defoe hit new heights for me:

"Furious Rachel has now spoken out about their four-month relationship, revealing the SKINFLINT side of the England star, their rampant sex romps—and how his manhood, which he nicknamed The Hulk, resembled a NEAPOLITAN ICE CREAM".

WTF??? Need further explanation?

"He used to have a nickname for his ‘thing'. He wasn't very modest and always called it ‘The Hulk'. It was quite distinctive because he has a strange skin pigmentation down there—which means it's the colours of Neapolitan ice cream."

So if at any stage this work week you are having a bit of a shit moment, please rememebr poor William with the Neapoliton cock.

Carry on.

Oh Johnny Fairplay

Karma happens in such strange and beautiful ways, sometimes courtesy of Danny Bonaduce.

Idol Snippets

Well wasn't Tarasai particularly CRAAAAZY tonight. I especially loved that she chose to apply her makeup with Smarties. The girl certainly channelled somethin somethin tonight in what was an obvious backhand to Kevin Andrews. Girlfriend can sing but I kinda feel like I need a safety word when I watch her.


"Pineapple"

Carl once again didn't disappoint with his ability to rape a song, yet manage to share the blame as we are left with a chicken or the egg dilemma with him and Michael Buble. He also remains incapable of wearing anything but a white shirt and fucking thin tie. OOOO i can't stand him.

I didn't think it possible that there could have been a worse Touchdown performance than Alf's last week, but Matt's complete misinterpretation of Bitter Sweet Symphony certainly pushed it. What the fuck was with his David Jones cardigan, ill fitting leather pants and plunging v neckline t-shirt??? (Note - the fastest way to ugly is to wear one of those t-shirts in my book - leave looking like a gay to the gays. Oh actually, combine the aforementioned t-shirt style with drinking at the Vineyard on Acland Street in St Kilda with massive sunglasses on a Sunday afternoon and you deserve to die.). Also, whilst i would prefer to bonk Kyle over Matt, clearly his biggest asset are his eyes, yet Bocelli opens his eyes more when he sings than Matt ever does - i just don't get it.


Australia's 2nd favourite blind Idol.


Natalie, oh my beloved Natalie...absolute car crash. I just wanted it to stop. A highly valued reader has been trying to convince me she is "very cruise ship" for quite some time, but I couldn't see it until tonight. Tonight, she was more Carols by Candlelight than Dennis Walter and it hurt me so.


"ah hello Carols is my only gig a year, can't u at least reference me?"

Shutup Silvie.

Ben is wearing a little thin isn't he? Sure he is good and oh so sweet but he sounds the same each week. Another subscriber to "if I slow down a song even more, i have interpreted it in my own style". The kid is only 17 and doing a phenomenal job but I'd like to see him shake it up a little and do a Courtney Act and perform in drag next week as we all know he will be doing it at the Greyhound in a couple of years anyway.

Jacob's girlfriend proves that being on Idol allows you to bat WAY above your average. Jacob's fist pumping at the end of the song proves that he remains a knobjockey.



I am prone to over-exaggeration at times

Daniel (aka Alf) looked way more Greek than normal proving that he really is Ya Ya's Sisterhood Star. His open handed fist pumping is taking over from where the superfluous scarf in the land of superfluousnessness. I've already completely forgotten what he sang which is the problem with all his performances.


Marty - well i kinda like the bloke now that he no longer cares and you just know that Mark "misplaced arrogance" De Costa was sitting at home fuming that he remains in the competition ahead of him. Another fantastic cardigan from the work experience wardrobe assistant who also chose Marcia's moomoo.


Seeing that theme nights clearly mean absolutely nothing in this competition now that we know Carl is going to crucify a Buble version of something, Jacob is going to Rock Eisteddfod a BritPop and Corby will walk out with a guide dog, we came up with a BRILLIANT theme night for next week TV Commercial Jingles. Bacon Bacon Bacon...Victory Victory Victory...Call Call Carpet Call...ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.

Gees i love this movie

The most underrated and sadly underseen movie in Australian cinema.

Im off to work with the Tuvuluvus now.

Thanks for the Memories

That is SIR Nathan to you.