Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Jillian's Top Holiday Destinations

Thanks once again to The Age Online we are blessed with learning just where are The Biggest Loser('s) Gillian's top 5 holiday destinations.

I now give you her holiday destinations numbers 6 through 8:

6. Bob's Forehead - I just love the way you can walk for days and days and never find a hairline. When the wind is blowing, sometimes you are even lucky enough to get a gust of coke off his nostrils .

"Helen Hunt is my sister"

7. Fairfield - Maybe it's the abundance of ladies in sensible shoes, Carpet Call showrooms and softball fields...but for some reason it always makes me feel like I belong.

8. Knox Shopping Centre - A mystical place where Mrs Fields is queen and Donut King, blessed with one of the highest instances of "fats" per capita in the world. It is here where I know my work will never be done.

Laxatives are too fattening for us

"Victoria is a fat cow" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Nigger, please"

Hello...I eat laxatives for dinner

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

A non-exhaustive list of people i can't stand

1st sign of the Apocalypse

Seedings for the WTA Morgan Keegan Championships, Memphis TN, February16-25 2007:

1. Shahar Peer
2. Tatiana Golovin
3. Marion Bartoli
4. Samantha Stosur
5. Nicole Pratt
6. Shenay Perry
7. Venus Williams
8. Jill Craybas

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Quite A Nice Tight Arse, Stewardess

I love it when Dad's try and get involved in tabloid journalism surrounding their kids.

This taken from today's Herald-Sun who thought it necessary to run a full page biography on the QANTAS flight attendant who has been stood down after allegedly being caught in a "these pretzels are making me thirsty" incident with Ralph Fiennes mid-flight...

Her incredible former life emerged as her father, Graham, broke his silence, describing his daughter as a "good kid" who had done nothing wrong. "Lisa just does her job and if someone wants a cup of coffee and biscuits she blows them in the dunnies looks after them," he said.

Can't you just picture the call Daddy received this morning...

"Gee...Thanks for big noting my career dad, don't you know that I also ensure that tray tables are up and hand luggage is secured in the overhead compartments for landing???"

"But sweetheart, I to=ld them that "She's not a bad looking girl. If you do the right thing people take a liking to you" and that your colleagues were "probably ugly as a hat full of arseholes and were just jealous"."

It took 3 of our nation's finest journalists (Luke McIlveen, Rhett Watson and Matthew Schulz) to compile this life-changing story??? Please allow me to read between the lines of their magnificent prose for you:

  • Lisa Cherie Robertson was born in the tiny town of Coolamon, just outside Wagga Wagga, but grew up in Culcairn, near Albury, where her father ran the local butcher shop and her mother worked as an assistant teacher. Here we learn that she can't keep her hands off chops and loves providing "assistance"

  • She graduated from high school in 1985 and worked at Pizza Hut and Hungry Jack's before moving to Melbourne to work as a stockbroking messenger. Whoppers, Big Macs and Special Sauce...

  • She showed promise as a young constable in Narrandera in southwest NSW and was sent to Sydney in 1990. Anybody with any promise must leave Narrandera and become an Air Hostess

  • She was an undercover cop with a talent for putting major drug dealers behind bars so she was only going underthecovers to ensure he wasn't smuggling a HEADset or BARred up

  • She married fellow police officer John Duncan in 1993, but the relationship broke down under the pressure of their work and they divorced...presumably cos she couldn't keep her hands out of A-list celebrities pants.

  • She worked for about six months as a scuba diving instructor at Great Adventures dive company in Cairns where she learnt circular breathing techniques at varying altitudes

  • Just two months before taking to the skies, she was declared bankrupt with debts of $440,000 she may be willing to do anything for money.

I'm so glad that we will all sleep a little bit easier tonight knowing that there is so much more to this story than just a girl giving a moviestar head in the dunnies.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Why my IPod's cooler than your IPod - Volume 1

  • I Need Somebody - Bardot

It is pretty safe to say that everyone on the Epping/Hurstbridge train line has seen me doing the Sophie Monk "hip-thrusting motorbike move" in an attempt to gee myself up for a day in the hell hole.

  • Dancing in the Storm - Boom Crash Opera

If you didn't spend at least one night of the late 1990s completely guttered on "slurpies" at Frost Bites, screaming at the Dale Ryder Band to play this and/or Onion Skin, I don't wanna know you.

  • Hot in Here (remix) - Tiga

Sensational remix with one of the better videoclips you will see. Tiga really is a clever doobie, isn't he? Mr Coppell, I'd quite like to see him upstairs at the Prince soon...

  • Look on the Floor - Bananarama

Cool as shit track from their ridiculously underrated comeback album "Drama". Please, do yourself a favour and download this and Move in My Direction and thank me later.

  • Jackie - BZ feat. Joanne

Redheads, Bobby McGees, G Spot and Twister were our playground, Jackie our anthem and Joanne the skankiest skank of them all. I went to bed stinking of illusion shakers, but I always woke up with your lips on my imagination...

  • Chanel Cole's Audition - Aus Idol 04

Thanks to the wonder of Limewire you too can witness Marcia compliment Chanel, before sister-girlfriend got herself on the badself side. mmmhmmm *neck swivel*

  • Foolish HandsGames - Jewel

Inexplicably, I always think this song is called Foolish Hands and that is how it is named in my IPod - the song would be so much better if it WAS about hands...

  • Rhythm of the Night - El Debarge

Debate for hours with your friends whether El is a man or a woman, or do what I do and put on your meanest "gym scowl" and lift some weights with this blaring in your ears and giggle to yourself as the wannabes think you too are listening to Nickelback etc.

  • Venus or Mars - Jackson Mendoza

How damn good is this track??? and wasn't there some fantastic back-story where one of them got stabbed by her boyfriend or something???

  • Africa - Toto

Sure it is an absolute classic, but I just absolutely love how they try and fit "As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti" into the melody, resulting in a brilliant emPHAsis on the wrong SyllAble.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Best. Videoclip. Ever

How great is this filmclip? From the back cracking dance move, to the completely out of synch footwork before peaking with perhaps the most brilliant use of a push-up of all time.

Poor Sonya, did she not notice that he will never stop loving the cock?

We can only hope that the Young Diveras release their cover version and use Anthony Callea as the target of their affections in the film clip.

Friday, February 9, 2007

Pratt to the Rescue?

An amazing story doing the rounds this morning alleging that Jeannie Pratt will be lining up at Centre Half Back for Carlton this season, in an attempt to add some guts to the side and prevent yet another wooden spoon.

In other news, gutsy Australia tennis player Nicole Pratt has quashed rumours saying that she too will play for the Blues in 2007 "you've got to be joking don't you? I've played with some beasts in my career, Petrova, Kuznetsova...but Jeannie Pratt and Lance Whitnall in one side...that's just not right"*.

Billable Units does not usually condone such unfair comparisons

*I slept in the day they taught libel, slander and defamation at law school, so um just in case, she didn't actually say it, but who knows if she was thinking it too...

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Wiggy wiggy, i'm getting jiggy...

5ive Reasons I'm giddy that 5ive are halfway through recording their comeback album:

1. Abz response to the question "How do you see your role in the band now?"

"I'm not too sure to be honest with you. I'm trying to figure out what my role is in the band at the moment. I'm having, like, chats with a psychiatrist every other week. I don't know what my purpose is in the band. They're trying to help me with that and trying to discover who I am."

2. J

3. J's response to how he has changed since the band split:

"It's gonna be different than before because I'm 100% more passive than I used to be." BRING. IT. ON.

4. Lyrically they are amazing:

You wanna know what hits you like a fork lift truck
We got J, AB, Rich, Sean and Scott rocking the extra
Curricular ladies love particular fella
Who knock da meter get the boom shake regular
Five bad boys, honey no, we don't quit til we hit
The rebound sound with a kick
So come on everybody, everybody in tune
As I boomshake n' rock a body
Gimme room
Clap your hands
Stamp your feet
Push it in, pull it out to the beat.

5. Boring, bland, ugly Sean (whose most valuable contribution to the band's pop genius was when he was replaced by a cardboard cutout in the Let's Dance video) has left, meaning that 5ive are now 4our.

More reasons to hate Nick Riewoldt

Did anyone else see the footage of Nick Riewoldt getting injured at training last week? By the amount of yelling, screaming and sobbing he was doing, you would swear Captain Courageous had just been told by Steph that she was either releasing another album, or performing at Mardi Gras.

Turns out the poor darl had a "slight strain" of his hamstring.

Maybe he should have a look at how GodNathan Buckley and Matthew "I can't close my mouth" Lloyd ran from the ground when they had torn the entire hamstring from the bone!

Oh...and Nickywoo - get a haircut.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

It just isn't Australian

Is it just me or are Melbourne Victory supporters even more annoying than the Victory, Victory, the winning blinds...jingle???

Now I am usually uber "We Love You Cos You're a Victorian", but seriously this is like Z-grade soccer. Anybody with any talent is playing in Europe and we are left with has-beens, random Brazilians and players who couldn't get a game in 3rd division in the English League (yes, the guy who kicked the winning goal spent the last few years sitting on the bench in champion side Crewe Alexandra).

Let's not forget the superstar of last year's season was Dwight Yorke, who at 36 moves about as quickly as the son he had with Jordan.

Seriously, calm the hell down with the celebrations, the team has just won a NON-ELIMINATION SEMI-final, yet their demented fans are carrying on like they just won the World Cup! Even the players were reported to have had an all night drinking session in celebration. I mean could you imagine if an AFL or NRL team carried on like this after winning a Semi-Final...no you couldn't cos these players have skill and their supporters aren't suffering from "gees the Ashes was a non-event, we need something, anything to be parochial about".

My theory is that the majority of Victory tools fans are Carlton supporters who haven't got the correct number of chromosomes had a good day at the footy in years.

The old saying that Melbournians would go and watch 2 cockroaches race, has never been so true.

Monday, February 5, 2007

I snort coke, binge drink & I blog

Thanks to the brilliance of News of the World, Monday mornings at the office have never been so good.

I didn't think NOTW could get any better after they brought us a cracker of a story about Heather "Stumpy" Mills bonking former Gladiators star "Hunter" a few weeks back. Apparently he loved it when she ripped off her leg and jumped "athletically" into the bath with him....

You just know that skank used her leg for this kinda foreplay

Sometimes I love being wrong: Thank you Paris Hilton

Check out the amount of Coke on that guys chest!!!!

I've got 3 words for you Paris: "I wanna be you".

Saturday, February 3, 2007

We'll go riding on The Horshes

Well i thought we might as well bound out of the gates from the outset.

Check out the video clip of Daryl Braithwaite's Aussie classic "The Horses" closely, taking particular notice of the mouth on the chick who has Single White Femaled Margaret Urlich:

Me shinks she has a nashty lishp, no?

Turns out she is a model from NZ, Gillian Mather. Rumour has it she is to star as Liz Smylie in the telemovie of Pam Shriver's life entitled "70 is the new 007".