If you can't beat em, join em

Bitch, I'm gonna snort u into retirement

And if any of you also lay awake at night wandering whether J-Cap will indeed un-impale herself out of retirement to retake the coke queen title off Martina, I spoke to her manager last night and he assures me she has no plans on climbing off her porn star boyfriend "Dirk DeBone" any time soon.

Yep, I have connections. I am so cool.

Big Cum Bucket

After standing by Gretel Killeen for all these years, I am kinda glad she has been put out of her misery and dumped by Big Brother. This year she looked bored, frustrated and had clearly had enough of talking to morons with the personality of a sponge.

BUT

Channel 10 was it really necessary to replace her with a cum sponge?

I mean seriously, Jackie O. She is about the most universally hated, untalented joke in Australian entertainment, so I guess it is kinda fitting that she joins the team of Fitzy, Bree and Mike Goldman....

Australian Princess (circa series 1) was as good as Australia has ever done a reality show and that was IN SPITE of Crackie Ho botching her lines, looking generally awkward and waddling around like she was trying to figure out what had happened to her big red phone.

I guess it could have been worse, she could have been co-hosting with her male equivalent and my reigning Most Hated Australian Male - Jonny from the Nova evening show...but more on that later...

News of the World does it again

The best thing about every Monday morning is getting to read another WAG story on News Of The World.

Nearly all articles are completely "bloggable" but this sentence from the story about sex-cheat William Defoe hit new heights for me:

"Furious Rachel has now spoken out about their four-month relationship, revealing the SKINFLINT side of the England star, their rampant sex romps—and how his manhood, which he nicknamed The Hulk, resembled a NEAPOLITAN ICE CREAM".

WTF??? Need further explanation?

"He used to have a nickname for his ‘thing'. He wasn't very modest and always called it ‘The Hulk'. It was quite distinctive because he has a strange skin pigmentation down there—which means it's the colours of Neapolitan ice cream."

So if at any stage this work week you are having a bit of a shit moment, please rememebr poor William with the Neapoliton cock.

Carry on.

Oh Johnny Fairplay

Karma happens in such strange and beautiful ways, sometimes courtesy of Danny Bonaduce.

Idol Snippets

Well wasn't Tarasai particularly CRAAAAZY tonight. I especially loved that she chose to apply her makeup with Smarties. The girl certainly channelled somethin somethin tonight in what was an obvious backhand to Kevin Andrews. Girlfriend can sing but I kinda feel like I need a safety word when I watch her.


"Pineapple"

Carl once again didn't disappoint with his ability to rape a song, yet manage to share the blame as we are left with a chicken or the egg dilemma with him and Michael Buble. He also remains incapable of wearing anything but a white shirt and fucking thin tie. OOOO i can't stand him.

I didn't think it possible that there could have been a worse Touchdown performance than Alf's last week, but Matt's complete misinterpretation of Bitter Sweet Symphony certainly pushed it. What the fuck was with his David Jones cardigan, ill fitting leather pants and plunging v neckline t-shirt??? (Note - the fastest way to ugly is to wear one of those t-shirts in my book - leave looking like a gay to the gays. Oh actually, combine the aforementioned t-shirt style with drinking at the Vineyard on Acland Street in St Kilda with massive sunglasses on a Sunday afternoon and you deserve to die.). Also, whilst i would prefer to bonk Kyle over Matt, clearly his biggest asset are his eyes, yet Bocelli opens his eyes more when he sings than Matt ever does - i just don't get it.


Australia's 2nd favourite blind Idol.


Natalie, oh my beloved Natalie...absolute car crash. I just wanted it to stop. A highly valued reader has been trying to convince me she is "very cruise ship" for quite some time, but I couldn't see it until tonight. Tonight, she was more Carols by Candlelight than Dennis Walter and it hurt me so.


"ah hello Carols is my only gig a year, can't u at least reference me?"

Shutup Silvie.

Ben is wearing a little thin isn't he? Sure he is good and oh so sweet but he sounds the same each week. Another subscriber to "if I slow down a song even more, i have interpreted it in my own style". The kid is only 17 and doing a phenomenal job but I'd like to see him shake it up a little and do a Courtney Act and perform in drag next week as we all know he will be doing it at the Greyhound in a couple of years anyway.

Jacob's girlfriend proves that being on Idol allows you to bat WAY above your average. Jacob's fist pumping at the end of the song proves that he remains a knobjockey.



I am prone to over-exaggeration at times

Daniel (aka Alf) looked way more Greek than normal proving that he really is Ya Ya's Sisterhood Star. His open handed fist pumping is taking over from where the superfluous scarf in the land of superfluousnessness. I've already completely forgotten what he sang which is the problem with all his performances.


Marty - well i kinda like the bloke now that he no longer cares and you just know that Mark "misplaced arrogance" De Costa was sitting at home fuming that he remains in the competition ahead of him. Another fantastic cardigan from the work experience wardrobe assistant who also chose Marcia's moomoo.


Seeing that theme nights clearly mean absolutely nothing in this competition now that we know Carl is going to crucify a Buble version of something, Jacob is going to Rock Eisteddfod a BritPop and Corby will walk out with a guide dog, we came up with a BRILLIANT theme night for next week TV Commercial Jingles. Bacon Bacon Bacon...Victory Victory Victory...Call Call Carpet Call...ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.

Gees i love this movie

The most underrated and sadly underseen movie in Australian cinema.

Im off to work with the Tuvuluvus now.

Thanks for the Memories

That is SIR Nathan to you.

Chipmunk gets married

I'm a massive fan of an OTT wedding splurge in Woman's Day and Ricki-Lee Coulter certainly didn't let us down.

Did they get married at the local tip???

It seems it was quite the B-list event with such TV stars as David "i have run outta things to whinge about" Graham, Dan O'Connor (who I saw at the gym the other day walking around with badly tipped hair and shorts worn way too low) and even Marty Worrell (he who ruined the Karate Kid).

Ricki-Lee learnt her wrestling skills from Paulini.

BUT it appears that our favourite all Oz Girl Group since CDB were sooooo busy working hard for the money at Capers to make an appearance which is kinda odd seeing as they appear at the opening of an envelope, or even RSVP insert own joke about them sitting at home on rsvp.com here.

Just fucking ridiculous really.

We here at Billable Units are simply amazed that Ricki Lee had time to organise a wedding whilst gathering nuts for the winter.

This Week's News

I don't know what it is about my tolerance levels at the moment but gees this week's news has shat me.

Firstly, to that STUPID woman who has decided to sue her doctor for allowing her to give birth to two PERFECTLY healthy and no doubt damn cute baby girls. This is just downright fucking psycho but it makes it oh so much worse that the media has not surprisingly latched onto the fact that she is a lesbian, rather than just a stupid bitch.

There are 101 reasons why this woman deserved to be aborted herself, but the damage that she has caused to the whole "IVF for everyone" debate that so many people have worked their fricken guts out for years has already been done. I suggest we just send ban her from RM Williams, golf and the Indigo Girls for ever. It makes absolutely no sense to me that she couldn't have foreseen this before she filed a document in Court that essentially says:
"I hate my kid so much that you should give me $400,000 + interest + costs".
Let's just add "egocentric" to "pathetic, ungrateful bitch".

I mean when the husband, myself and KTBIM attended a recent fundraiser for a lovely friend of ours (who just happened to be a lady-lover) with the theme Doctors & Nurses as backyard abortionists complete with freaky baby dolls skewered on coathangers we were at least fully aware that we were likely to have our testicles kicked in. Sure there were plenty of people who didn't quite dig our gag (we were in Northcote after all and 3 of only about 5 guys in the whole place) but then again our lucious lesbian friends thought it was kinda cool and tongue-in-cheek.

Secondly, is anyone else sick of this whole Pumpkin story?? I mean really, it has gone on a fair it hasn't it??? And whoever thought of the nickname "Pumpkin" clearly needs to have a good hard look at themselves. I'm not sure they even HAVE Pumpkins in China, so i can only imagine how hard it would be to explain that one in the Chinese Times or whatever the family business name was...

Sure it is a big enough story for it to maybe make front page once, but the connection to Australia is all a little tenuous for my liking to make it into the next Karmein Chan media frenzy.

Thirdly, who knew that Natalie Bassingthwaite went out with Gordon from Big Brother??? This has almost overshadowed his tragic death (well in MX which i consider to be my #1 source of information these days) and the fact that his "close friend" was actually quoted as saying that he was a "big personality and big in every way"...

Australia

You are all fucking idiots.

How did this VERY talented girl get voted out and this embarrassing cocktard who scatted all over Waltzing Matilda get through???

I weep for the future.

Pros and Cons(tipation)

So i am off work today with a major case of food poisoning.

That means I am:

a) bored shitless - well CLEARLY not literally

b) wearing black jocks - better safe than sorry

c) looking for someone to blame - 5 day old strawberry iced krispy kreme im looking at you

d) re-living my uni existence - Dr Phil, KAK, Oprah (see more below on that gold)

e) staring down the box of imodium in a battle of wills - might as well swallow concrete

f) all of the above.

Although there are certainly some bonuses to my current liquidity.

Today Oprah is featuring a COAST TO COAST GREY'S ANATOMY PARTY!!!! Complete with Gayle hosting a vat of screaming wet blondes in Seattle (who have asked 3 questions about Meredith and McDreamy's sex scene in the tub and whether McDreamy or McStramy eats better pussy) and some raving Jason Priestly wanna-be queen with a MASSIVE package (seriously, he must be wearing a cockring) hosting out of Chicago and well there is a group set-up in New York who Oprah seems to have forgotten about.

Well anyway, im praying beyond hope that Oprah asks Isiah Washington if he is OK with Gayle and her's "relationship", but nigger please we know that she aint gonna diss her brudda like that.

OOO now we have a Sarina Russo informercial gracing us instead of a commercial. Not that bitch is ssscccaaarrrryyyyy. "now we did really help you, didnt we?" says Sarina to some poor single mother/widow...

Ok now the palsy has me raving but one last thing is Chandra Wilson (aka Bailey) actually Jessica Mauboy in 15 years time????

Frappest

There is something entirely weird about nicknaming a rapist the "Hot Chocolate Rapist" isn't there?

I mean it kinda takes away from the horrible crime and makes me feel almost warm and comforted inside - oh c'mon I'm not the only one who thinks that if a bloke offered me a free ride home and a hot chocolate...

As the incredibly hilarious husband said - "if only he had have used Frappes...."

I'd like to solve it please

It appears that Adriana would now like to buy a bowel

A Phrase:

J _ S T F_ R T B _ T C H

"Life is like the Wheel of Fortune, but it does take different roads. The measure of a person once we are gone from this life or once we're not talked about, is what we've left in the hearts of others," she said.

I adore this quote and I challenge everyone to use it at least once a day, particularly if you are defending Lindsay Lohan on driving charges.

Worst. Ad. Ever

I know that many of you will think poorly of me...but everytime I see that AAMI ad where the father and daughter drive around looking for cheap petrol, I pray that they crash and that obnoxious brat Annabelle hurtles through the windscreen.

To make things worse it appears that the reason my AAMI Car Insurance costs so bloody much is that they are paying for this abomination to be aired every commercial break. Surely the money could have been better spent on a decent advertising agency or a speech pathologist for the kid.

Piss off Annabelle and take your bloody "principle" with you.

How to make Monday's better

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceNf-11-ddI

twat of the week

I knew it was more than just that he is from Adelaide, a Young Liberal and incredibly ugly...

5:38: Joel slips on a lemon shirt, turns his collar up, fixes his hair in the mirror and leaves the bedroom.

It's time to go....

Who Dear? Me Dear? No Dear

The most enjoyable part of my morning...

In a conversation with the very adorable Jen from my place of employ...

I think i might be becoming a lesbian...i had a dream about Deborah Hutton last night...it had certain "undertones"...

What next? dreaming of what Margaret Fletcher does with a D'Borteli Riesling bottle? playing canasta with the Brand Power lady? having a swim-off with Petria Thomas?

Australia's Got Crisco

Grant Denyer you dirty, dirty man.





I'm guessing that next season, young Australia's Got Talent winner Bonnie comes back to perform her encore...

Gangland Couture

I just LOVE this journalistic brilliance from theage online this afternoon:

"Mrs Moran walked into court shortly before the hearing started, wearing a long black frock with the unmistakeable pleats of an Issey Miyake design. Don't you love how they used "frock" here!

Roberta Williams' apparent nemesis was dressed in a grey strapless pencil dress over a white long-sleeved shirt. She was wearing scarlet high-heels. "scarlet" - because she is a scarlet woman, don't you see the genius!!!

A slimline Williams sat quietly during the hearing, dressed in a navy suit, blue shirt and red tie. KD Lang anyone? no wait that's babyface Carl we are talking about now - damn

Roberta, dressed in jeans, a blue hoodie and a yellow beanie, blamed the altercation on the woman, saying it wouldn't have happened had she not gone near the Williams' daughter. Snoop Dog is in da crib after all

"Don't go near my daughter you trashy piece of f***ing carnage," she told the woman after the Court had been adjourned." "Carnage" = Gold. Naomi Robson couldn't have said it better if she tried

Things I have almost posted about recently

but couldn't be bothered...

• Ian Thorpe describing his coffee in the morning (where he has only the "sweetest part of the bean") as an "absolute delight" in the same article he discusses how completely and undeniably straight he is because he sees Angelina Jolie as a "temptress".

• How brilliant this video is - Pearl for PM...bitch

• How life cannot get much better when Collingwood pumps both Richmond and Essendon within 12 days....unless of course someone torches the Punt Road Oval grandstand...scum.

• How Search for the Next Pussycat Doll is the best television show in history.





• How much I love Rob and Amber.




• That I still can't decide who was more of a twat on The Biggest Loser - anorexic Chris or weeping Marty. PS Damien will so win Aus Idol 07.

=

• How upset I was that they took the free jumbo tampon samples off the www.itsmybody.com website before I had the chance to send them to all my friends - you know from that really annoying ad with the "vivacious" teenage girls sitting around vaginating each other

• Whether me and the mighty Bill-dah are massive losers for spending 45mins deciding which 50% off Easter Eggs to buy for ourselves at Kmart Brunswick on Easter Monday...




• My dinner with Vesna (thankyou Adem IAR for crossing one thing off my "to do before I die" list)




• How cheap the Best of the V Festival organisers were for not spending $2.50 on a DJ or at least trotting out the Young Divas Rogue Traders to fill in the gaps between acts.




• My new love for The Chaser even though i'd like to punch Chas in the head





• How Madonna has the very scary hands of a 90 year old.

Young Diver News

Reading between the lines today, it is now clear that Anthony Callea will be replacing Ricki Lee in the Young Divas.

The Biggest Loser 'n' Things

Memo to Kimberley, the new "Outsider" on The Biggest Loser:

Your breasts are meant to go IN your bra, sweetheart...

Are you my Flat Daddy?

This has just been brought to my attention and I think it is all shades of wrong:

So basically, if your mommy or daddy is in Iraq fighting the baddies, you can trade them in for a life-size cardboard cutout for FREE!

I just love the possibilities - get daddy to take your flat mommy in for a breast augmentation.......ring Child Services cos flat daddy gave you a paper cut...take flat daddy to the doctor and say you are concerned he has an eating disorder...line flat daddy up at centre half forward for Richmond and improve their premiership chances...

"My flat daddy is in my room with me all the time" - it almost sounds like a Bindy Irwin quote doesn't it?

Colon Cleansing

Many of you will be well-versed in the genius that is Scott, 2 Be Certain.

Recently, Mr 2BC has been somewhat obsessed with Catherine Tate and her multi-lingual skills, with Mrs 2BC even reporting nocturnal emissions chuckling over this.

This afternoon whilst swapping emails regarding chaos theory in quantum physics the possible similarities between Iva Majoli and Jelena Jankovic, Scott punctuated his argument with the following:

hurdy gurdy gurdy gurr; gurdy

DOES IT IMPRESS ANYONE ELSE THAT HE USES SEMI-COLONS SO ANALLY RETENTIVELY CORRECTLY???

Just one more reason to love the boy and feel incredibly intimidated by his grammatical brilliance.

Great Moments in Australian Cinema

I don't know what it is about an Australian crime tele-movie but i find myself positively moist in anticipation.

Whilst we wait for "Joanne Lees - the Untold Story" (yes apparently they have located the one news agency that she didn't whore her story to...), I remind you of the genius of a blonde Georgie Parker:

"Middle Park???...

My parents have never even BEEN to Middle Park"

Jillian's Top Holiday Destinations

Thanks once again to The Age Online we are blessed with learning just where are The Biggest Loser('s) Gillian's top 5 holiday destinations.

I now give you her holiday destinations numbers 6 through 8:

6. Bob's Forehead - I just love the way you can walk for days and days and never find a hairline. When the wind is blowing, sometimes you are even lucky enough to get a gust of coke off his nostrils .

"Helen Hunt is my sister"

7. Fairfield - Maybe it's the abundance of ladies in sensible shoes, Carpet Call showrooms and softball fields...but for some reason it always makes me feel like I belong.

8. Knox Shopping Centre - A mystical place where Mrs Fields is queen and Donut King, blessed with one of the highest instances of "fats" per capita in the world. It is here where I know my work will never be done.

Laxatives are too fattening for us

"Victoria is a fat cow" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Nigger, please"

Hello...I eat laxatives for dinner

A non-exhaustive list of people i can't stand

1st sign of the Apocalypse

Seedings for the WTA Morgan Keegan Championships, Memphis TN, February16-25 2007:

1. Shahar Peer
2. Tatiana Golovin
3. Marion Bartoli
4. Samantha Stosur
5. Nicole Pratt
6. Shenay Perry
7. Venus Williams
8. Jill Craybas

Quite A Nice Tight Arse, Stewardess

I love it when Dad's try and get involved in tabloid journalism surrounding their kids.

This taken from today's Herald-Sun who thought it necessary to run a full page biography on the QANTAS flight attendant who has been stood down after allegedly being caught in a "these pretzels are making me thirsty" incident with Ralph Fiennes mid-flight...

Her incredible former life emerged as her father, Graham, broke his silence, describing his daughter as a "good kid" who had done nothing wrong. "Lisa just does her job and if someone wants a cup of coffee and biscuits she blows them in the dunnies looks after them," he said.

Can't you just picture the call Daddy received this morning...

"Gee...Thanks for big noting my career dad, don't you know that I also ensure that tray tables are up and hand luggage is secured in the overhead compartments for landing???"

"But sweetheart, I to=ld them that "She's not a bad looking girl. If you do the right thing people take a liking to you" and that your colleagues were "probably ugly as a hat full of arseholes and were just jealous"."

It took 3 of our nation's finest journalists (Luke McIlveen, Rhett Watson and Matthew Schulz) to compile this life-changing story??? Please allow me to read between the lines of their magnificent prose for you:

• Lisa Cherie Robertson was born in the tiny town of Coolamon, just outside Wagga Wagga, but grew up in Culcairn, near Albury, where her father ran the local butcher shop and her mother worked as an assistant teacher. Here we learn that she can't keep her hands off chops and loves providing "assistance"

• She graduated from high school in 1985 and worked at Pizza Hut and Hungry Jack's before moving to Melbourne to work as a stockbroking messenger. Whoppers, Big Macs and Special Sauce...

• She showed promise as a young constable in Narrandera in southwest NSW and was sent to Sydney in 1990. Anybody with any promise must leave Narrandera and become an Air Hostess

• She was an undercover cop with a talent for putting major drug dealers behind bars so she was only going underthecovers to ensure he wasn't smuggling a HEADset or BARred up

• She married fellow police officer John Duncan in 1993, but the relationship broke down under the pressure of their work and they divorced...presumably cos she couldn't keep her hands out of A-list celebrities pants.

• She worked for about six months as a scuba diving instructor at Great Adventures dive company in Cairns where she learnt circular breathing techniques at varying altitudes

• Just two months before taking to the skies, she was declared bankrupt with debts of $440,000 she may be willing to do anything for money.

I'm so glad that we will all sleep a little bit easier tonight knowing that there is so much more to this story than just a girl giving a moviestar head in the dunnies.

Why my IPod's cooler than your IPod - Volume 1

• I Need Somebody - Bardot

It is pretty safe to say that everyone on the Epping/Hurstbridge train line has seen me doing the Sophie Monk "hip-thrusting motorbike move" in an attempt to gee myself up for a day in the hell hole.

• Dancing in the Storm - Boom Crash Opera

If you didn't spend at least one night of the late 1990s completely guttered on "slurpies" at Frost Bites, screaming at the Dale Ryder Band to play this and/or Onion Skin, I don't wanna know you.

• Hot in Here (remix) - Tiga

Sensational remix with one of the better videoclips you will see. Tiga really is a clever doobie, isn't he? Mr Coppell, I'd quite like to see him upstairs at the Prince soon...

• Look on the Floor - Bananarama

Cool as shit track from their ridiculously underrated comeback album "Drama". Please, do yourself a favour and download this and Move in My Direction and thank me later.

• Jackie - BZ feat. Joanne

Redheads, Bobby McGees, G Spot and Twister were our playground, Jackie our anthem and Joanne the skankiest skank of them all. I went to bed stinking of illusion shakers, but I always woke up with your lips on my imagination...

• Chanel Cole's Audition - Aus Idol 04

Thanks to the wonder of Limewire you too can witness Marcia compliment Chanel, before sister-girlfriend got herself on the badself side. mmmhmmm *neck swivel*

• Foolish HandsGames - Jewel

Inexplicably, I always think this song is called Foolish Hands and that is how it is named in my IPod - the song would be so much better if it WAS about hands...

• Rhythm of the Night - El Debarge

Debate for hours with your friends whether El is a man or a woman, or do what I do and put on your meanest "gym scowl" and lift some weights with this blaring in your ears and giggle to yourself as the wannabes think you too are listening to Nickelback etc.

• Venus or Mars - Jackson Mendoza

How damn good is this track??? and wasn't there some fantastic back-story where one of them got stabbed by her boyfriend or something???

• Africa - Toto

Sure it is an absolute classic, but I just absolutely love how they try and fit "As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti" into the melody, resulting in a brilliant emPHAsis on the wrong SyllAble.

Best. Videoclip. Ever

How great is this filmclip? From the back cracking dance move, to the completely out of synch footwork before peaking with perhaps the most brilliant use of a push-up of all time.



Poor Sonya, did she not notice that he will never stop loving the cock?

We can only hope that the Young Diveras release their cover version and use Anthony Callea as the target of their affections in the film clip.

Pratt to the Rescue?

An amazing story doing the rounds this morning alleging that Jeannie Pratt will be lining up at Centre Half Back for Carlton this season, in an attempt to add some guts to the side and prevent yet another wooden spoon.

In other news, gutsy Australia tennis player Nicole Pratt has quashed rumours saying that she too will play for the Blues in 2007 "you've got to be joking don't you? I've played with some beasts in my career, Petrova, Kuznetsova...but Jeannie Pratt and Lance Whitnall in one side...that's just not right"*.



Billable Units does not usually condone such unfair comparisons

*I slept in the day they taught libel, slander and defamation at law school, so um just in case, she didn't actually say it, but who knows if she was thinking it too...

Wiggy wiggy, i'm getting jiggy...

5ive Reasons I'm giddy that 5ive are halfway through recording their comeback album:

1. Abz response to the question "How do you see your role in the band now?"

"I'm not too sure to be honest with you. I'm trying to figure out what my role is in the band at the moment. I'm having, like, chats with a psychiatrist every other week. I don't know what my purpose is in the band. They're trying to help me with that and trying to discover who I am."

2. J



3. J's response to how he has changed since the band split:

"It's gonna be different than before because I'm 100% more passive than I used to be." BRING. IT. ON.

4. Lyrically they are amazing:

You wanna know what hits you like a fork lift truck
We got J, AB, Rich, Sean and Scott rocking the extra
Curricular ladies love particular fella
Who knock da meter get the boom shake regular
Five bad boys, honey no, we don't quit til we hit
The rebound sound with a kick
So come on everybody, everybody in tune
As I boomshake n' rock a body
Gimme room
Clap your hands
Stamp your feet
Push it in, pull it out to the beat.

5. Boring, bland, ugly Sean (whose most valuable contribution to the band's pop genius was when he was replaced by a cardboard cutout in the Let's Dance video) has left, meaning that 5ive are now 4our.

More reasons to hate Nick Riewoldt

Did anyone else see the footage of Nick Riewoldt getting injured at training last week? By the amount of yelling, screaming and sobbing he was doing, you would swear Captain Courageous had just been told by Steph that she was either releasing another album, or performing at Mardi Gras.



Turns out the poor darl had a "slight strain" of his hamstring.

Maybe he should have a look at how GodNathan Buckley and Matthew "I can't close my mouth" Lloyd ran from the ground when they had torn the entire hamstring from the bone!

Oh...and Nickywoo - get a haircut.

It just isn't Australian

Is it just me or are Melbourne Victory supporters even more annoying than the Victory, Victory, the winning blinds...jingle???

Now I am usually uber "We Love You Cos You're a Victorian", but seriously this is like Z-grade soccer. Anybody with any talent is playing in Europe and we are left with has-beens, random Brazilians and players who couldn't get a game in 3rd division in the English League (yes, the guy who kicked the winning goal spent the last few years sitting on the bench in champion side Crewe Alexandra).

Let's not forget the superstar of last year's season was Dwight Yorke, who at 36 moves about as quickly as the son he had with Jordan.

Seriously, calm the hell down with the celebrations, the team has just won a NON-ELIMINATION SEMI-final, yet their demented fans are carrying on like they just won the World Cup! Even the players were reported to have had an all night drinking session in celebration. I mean could you imagine if an AFL or NRL team carried on like this after winning a Semi-Final...no you couldn't cos these players have skill and their supporters aren't suffering from "gees the Ashes was a non-event, we need something, anything to be parochial about".

My theory is that the majority of Victory tools fans are Carlton supporters who haven't got the correct number of chromosomes had a good day at the footy in years.

The old saying that Melbournians would go and watch 2 cockroaches race, has never been so true.

I snort coke, binge drink & I blog

Thanks to the brilliance of News of the World, Monday mornings at the office have never been so good.

I didn't think NOTW could get any better after they brought us a cracker of a story about Heather "Stumpy" Mills bonking former Gladiators star "Hunter" a few weeks back. Apparently he loved it when she ripped off her leg and jumped "athletically" into the bath with him....

You just know that skank used her leg for this kinda foreplay

Sometimes I love being wrong: Thank you Paris Hilton

Check out the amount of Coke on that guys chest!!!!

I've got 3 words for you Paris: "I wanna be you".

We'll go riding on The Horshes

Well i thought we might as well bound out of the gates from the outset.

Check out the video clip of Daryl Braithwaite's Aussie classic "The Horses" closely, taking particular notice of the mouth on the chick who has Single White Femaled Margaret Urlich:

Me shinks she has a nashty lishp, no?

Turns out she is a model from NZ, Gillian Mather. Rumour has it she is to star as Liz Smylie in the telemovie of Pam Shriver's life entitled "70 is the new 007".